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THE WEEKLY GLEANER | DECEMBER 13 - DECEMBER 19, 2021 | www.jamaica-gleaner.com | FEATURE 38 THE W EKLY GLEANER | DEC MBER 13, 2021 - JANUARY 2 2 Dear Pastor, I am 60 years old and a hard-working woman. I have my own house, my own car, and I have a good job. I am not married, but I have a male friend. He is 62, but he looks younger than me. He has his own house, but he sleeps at my house most of the time. My three children are on their own. They respect him. I asked this man when can we get married, and he said that we are already happy people, mar- riage would just spoil our relationship. I askedmyself sometimes, where is this relationship going? My son, who is not living far away from me, comes to see me every Sunday. He and my man have such a pleasant relationship. This man sup- ports one political party and my son the other. They discuss politics all the time. I keep out of it. I don’t want this re- lationship to end because I don’t want to lose this man. He has charmed me. I don’t want to be alone anymore. How can I get this man to marry me? I am looking for my letter in THE STAR . I.T. Dear I.T., You are very happy with this man, but at the same time, youwould like to get married. He is in no hurry to marry you. He said that both of you are happy together and that mar- riage will spoil the relationship. Perhaps he has had bad experiences before. Some men who were once married, or had a stable relationship and were disappointed, do not wish to marry again. They think that it is too risky. Don’t rush this man into marriage. If you are tired of the re- lationship, tell him that it has to end. This man gets along very well with your children, especially your son. You should discuss your future with your children. I know it is not often that a counsellor would say that a woman should be guided by their children’s advice, but I am saying to you, discuss the matter with them and be guided by their advice. I wish both of you well. Pastor My wedding night was such a disappointment Dear Pastor, I am a regular reader of your column. I amwriting to you for your advice. I am a 27-year-oldmale. I have two children: one girl and a boy. The girl is five years old and the boy is two. Their mother and I broke up because of her wild ways. She always kept other men with me. She never admitted it until one day I got a phone call from a man I did not know. He told me that he was having an affair with her. I told him that he got the wrong number. He explained who he was and told me that he was tired of waiting on her because she always promised that she would leave me and come to him. When I went home, I asked her about this man and she told me that she knows him and he has always been after her. But she told him it cannot work because the both of us have chil- dren and I have been a good father to the children and a good spouse to her. I called back the man and I could not get him. But a few days later, he called me and told me that he had seen my children’s mother again and what they did together. After a lengthy argument between myself and her, I told her to leave. She did not leave. I was afraid of getting myself into trouble, so I packed up and went to stay with my grandmother. I got baptised and became a Christian. I joined the church and met a young woman. We fell in love and we started to go out. This young woman told me that she was a virgin and she has never had sex. She was 24 years old. I told her about my past experience with my children’s mother and she said that I wouldn’t have that problemwith her, because no man has ever seen her nakedness. I asked how could I know that she is really a virgin. She said I would have to take her word because she is not going to have sex withme before we are married because the Bible is against that. One night after going out, I tried to force her to have sex with me and she got very, very angry, so I backed away. We set a date for marriage and I bought her a ring. She did not have any money to buy me a ring, but we had a small wedding. On my wedding night, I was so disappointed. This girl who assured me that she was a virgin, was no virgin at all. I know about women because I have had relationships with a few of them. I knew what to expect from a woman who is a virgin. Not even a drop of blood came as a result of our having sex. She couldn’t explain herself to me, except to say she didn’t have to bleed. We were at the hotel for two nights, but I could not keep my cool. I cursed her stink and she cried. But I was not moved by her tears. We are still together, but I am an unhappy man. That is why I amwriting to you for your advice. E. Dear E., You are an unfortunateman.What benefit did this woman gain by lying to you? Well, I can answer my own question by saying that she wanted to get married. She could have told you the truth. She knew that she was not a virgin. She could have told you that she has had relationships with other men. She is a very wicked and untrustworthy woman. I suppose you are wondering whether you should divorce her or remain with her. I cannot really encourage you to divorce her and I hope that the day will come when you will be able to forgive her for the vicious lie she told. Why should a Christian girl say that she has never had sex when she knows that she has. Having sex before marriage doesn’t mean that a girl has committed a crime. You thought you were going to a woman who was untouched. So, I understand how disappointed you felt on your wedding night. Your wife should understand that is not a joke. I am, therefore, going to suggest that both of you make an appointment with a family counsellor and talk over this big problem. Pastor I have fallen for the gardener Dear Pastor, I am an independent 40-year-old fe- male with three grown boys. I am also a Christian. I have been divorced for two and a half years, due to no fault of my own. Since my divorce, I have kept to myself. I have met my gardener over a year now. My spirit is always attracted to him. He is not very educated but he has a good heart and is ambitious. He is on a work permit and he has an established life in Jamaica. He also has a six-year-old child with a woman he has been with for 10 years. They share property and a business. About a month ago, I approached him and expressed my interest in him. He told me upfront that he doesn’t have a woman here (overseas), but he is in a relationship in Jamaica and that he has always had a secret interest in me, and would love to give it a try. I told him I understood and that due to the circumstances, I would only encourage an intimate act once, and if he was ok with that, then there would be no strings attached. I was so lonely and longing for a man’s touch that I fell for the moment. The issue is that we have both be- come emotionally involved. He wants to control me and still keep his home in Jamaica. He says that he wants to see how things work out as he has a strong desire to marry me. He is willing to do whatever he can to please me, but he is not a practising Christian and he sometimes tells lies. From a woman’s perspective, I know I am doing wrong to another woman. Spiritually, I am also doing wrong. I want to end the relationship, but I don’t want to lose a friend. What should I do? A.M Dear A.M., You have pushed yourself into this man’s life. You claimed that this man was your gardener and that you are always admiring him, and you wanted to be in a relationship with him.When you approached this man, he immediately took you on, but he told you that he has a woman in Jamaica and that they have a child together. So, he did not fool you. He told you the truth.When he said that to you, you should have backed off. But your excuse for not doing so is that youwere longing to be touched by a man. What youwere trying to say is that you were longing to have sex and this man gave youwhat youwanted. You loved it and you wanted more and the relationship was sealed. You knew that this man was not a Christian before you became in- volved with him. You knew also that it would not be easy to end the re- lationship with this man. So, it is so ridiculous for you to be saying that he is not a practising Christian. If you feel so guilty now that this man is controlling you and your intention was to hit and run, you should tell him you have had enough of him. But you should not give him the im- pression that he is the aggressor. The truth is, you are the aggressor. This man only wants to prove that he is a man. Tell him that he may continue to be your gardener, but the intimate relationship has to come to an end. And if youbelieve that you cannot re- sist him, terminate his employment. I hope hewill understand the dilemma youhave foundyourself in andhewill walk away peacefully, but don’t be surprised if he puts up a fight. Pastor My man said marriage would just spoil our relationship